Fear Schmear

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy." ~Dale Carnegie

I figured out that I wanted to write about fear today and went off in search of the perfect quote. I stumbled upon the above gem and instantly knew that it had to kick off this entry. Not only does it put my laziness in its place; it also lights a pretty hot fire under my booty. Like many people, I definitely struggle with the inertia of fear. I want to talk about a few examples of this and I read in my sister's blog that people like lists. So I'm gonna give that a whirl and feel free to let me know in the comments if my sister is right. Feel extra free to let me know if she's wrong. I'd be happy to pass along that message. (Love you, Al...)

Here are four things that came to mind when I started thinking about fear today:(I know five would be more of a friendly, rounded out number, but I started out with five and could only come up with four good ones. Better than throwing in a crappy one just to make it to five!)

1. Study abroad, junior year of college. I developed an overwhelming fear about a month before I was set to leave. All of a sudden, I couldn't stop thinking about all the things I'd miss out on while I was away. My college was doing A Midsummer Night's Dream that spring. It was a show I'd always wanted to do. What if I was missing out on a dream role? It was also a completely new country and I'd basically be on my own. So many things could go wrong with this scenario. And there was, of course, a guy I liked. What if he became single and I was all the way across the ocean? All these things and more began to build up in my head, tempting me to stay. Don't rock the boat, silly girl! Things are fine here and they could get better. Go away and maybe you'll lose everything. It was tempting. More tempting than I'm happy to admit. But, thankfully, my pride got in the way of my fear. I'd already told everyone I was going. And I made a big deal about it. I had to go or else I'd look like a real loser. Looking back, I don't even want to think about missing out on such an amazing experience. Those five months away changed the way I saw myself. I gained a confidence I never could have found at home. I pushed my own boundaries and realized I'm capable of so much more than I had ever known. And besides all the self-discovery, I got to see so many wonderful places that it would take ten separate entries just to scratch the surface! 
2. Hypochondria. Okay, so I'm not a full-blown hypochondriac. I can watch medical dramas without developing whatever strange disease or illness is featured each week. Usually. And, while I will tend to worry over symptoms from time to time, I typically suspect that I'm being more dramatic than necessary. However, hypochondria to some degree is evident on my mother's side of the family. We used to joke about my grandma because she would call 911 over the tiniest thing. I loved my grandma very much, but the woman was something else! Someday I hope she'll make for a great character in a book. But while her overreaction to tiny ailments is humorous, I can also relate to it. Unless you've studied medicine and the human body extensively, it holds a lot of mystery. And most fear is born out of what we don't know. Or what we can't figure out. I'll admit, I'm not real keen on kicking the bucket anytime soon, so if something starts not working the way it used to, I freak out a little. Same for my car. Or my cat. I like things to run the way they're supposed to. The dilemma is making sure you're not worrying over nothing so much that it turns into something. 
3. Relationships. Yep. I'll say it. I'm pretty much terrified of relationships. That doesn't mean I don't have any. I have plenty. But I'm certainly not someone to whom they come naturally. I envy people who can make friends with every stranger in the room. I think I have the tools to make it happen, but it is work. I have to gear up for it. And there are some days, lots of days, when I just don't feel like it. That's a problem in LA. This city is not easy to meet people in. Shocking, since people are everywhere. It's also a problem since, as an actor, I should be trying to make as many relationships as possible. It's called networking. And I suck at it. Maybe it's a small town Midwestern thing, but I am hyper-sensitive to the idea that I'll come off too pushy or annoying. I don't generally make eye contact with strangers because I'm concerned they'll think - I don't know what I'm concerned they'll think. That I have a staring problem or I'm trying to give them sexy eyes or something. It's completely ridiculous. But I think most fear kind of gets to that point if we feed it enough. I'm not completely insecure, which is how this is starting to seem. But if I'm tired, or stressed out, I definitely feel this relationship fear creep in. Mix that with an overactive imagination, and you've got trouble. 
4. Pursuing dreams. Not sleeping dreams. Life dreams. I'm pretty sure it's related to being afraid of failing or being afraid of being wrong. Regardless, it's a pain in the ass. And the example that stings most when I read that quote. Since I was little, imagination and creativity were a part of my personality. I loved to draw. I loved to make up stories and plays. I made up different pretend situations and made my sister play along. I figured out that I loved performing pretty early on. I sang in church and liked being the lead in the church kid's plays. I even fought with another girl over the microphone while we were doing a church duet. Super classy. I just didn't want to share the spotlight. But somewhere, something shifted. I became good at blending in. I figured out how to coast along, not unpopular, not popular. I had certain people with whom I knew I could be the center of attention. The rest of the time, I just tried to fit in. When I went to college and studied theater, I got a bit of that spotlight hunger back. I found some confidence and a sense of belonging both onstage and in that group of people. But then college ended and I faltered again. I stood still, really. I let the fear turn into laziness until I couldn't stand it anymore. That's when I hauled myself across the country. And here I am. Starting to feel again like I'm standing still. So, that's what this blog is for. An effort to start moving. Start the creativity flowing again. And remind myself that it's okay to be crap at something if you're at least getting it out there. Something about you only fail if you never try?

Anyway, there are my four fear thoughts. I'd love to hear back if anyone reads this and has comments - either on my fear feelings or your own!