Saying No When You Want to Say Yes
"Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity." ~ W. Clement Stone
If you aren't familiar with the person from this quote, then we're rowing the same boat. If you are familiar with him, you get a look of wonder from me. I really only know (because the quote site told me) that he is an author and founder of an insurance company. Does anyone else find it odd that an insurance guy is encouraging us to say 'no?' Aren't they sort of known for being pushy until they hear a 'yes?' Maybe that's just a stereotype. Anyway, it made me chuckle.
Now, this is another great quote. Really meaty. I like using quotes as a jumping off point when I'm not sure what direction I'm going to take the blog entry in. They are good inspiration-sparkers. This one has me thinking not about my own situation (though there are plenty of ways I could apply it), but about a friend's situation. Mostly the first part. I've been encouraging this person to say no to an issue. Some family members are struggling financially and this friend is tempted to help them out. Normally this would be a very wonderful and loving thing. But it's happened too often. The family members are not learning from their past mistakes. Instead, they continue taking financial help from others rather than taking responsibility for their own situation.
This hits close to home for me. See, we always get back to me eventually. When I first moved out to LA, I definitely was struggling financially. I was fortunate enough to have a friend for a roommate, and she provided a lot of help with our shared bills. And by "help," I mean that she basically paid them all. While she was very generous and gracious about this, it caused a strain on our relationship. After we parted ways, my mom took over the role of financial savior. She had to send me chunks of money every month so I could keep up with the rent. It was a terrible feeling, knowing that phone call was coming when I'd have to ask again. My family has always done what was needed to help each other out, and nobody has been made to feel guilty. However, I knew that money was a strain for her. And it was emotionally exhausting to me to be in my mid-20s and still have to rely on my parents for money.
I can't pinpoint exactly where the shift occurred, but I think I really started to get things together after my dad remarried. Granted, my mom was the one sending most of the money at this point. But my stepmom is from another culture and it bothered her tremendously that my dad had a habit of bailing me out with finances. Even though he hadn't been as involved as my mom, she was very conscious of his spending where we were concerned. At first, I hated this sort of intrusion on my relationship with my dad. But very quickly, I realized that it was actually a blessing in disguise. She was concerned that he had babied me and made it harder for me to stand on my own. And she was right. He agrees. I agree. We're all on the same page here, and that realization helped me get on the right track with budgeting and finding a better job. I was then able to take the pressure off my mom in turn because I was shifting everything back to my own shoulders. It was the best feeling to reach a month where I didn't have to make that dreaded phone call!
I'm hoping to relay this story to my friend. Sometimes I think we sense that we should say no, but feel guilty and end up saying yes instead. It's a boundary issue for a lot of people. If it's truly the thought that counts, then saying yes out of guilt really doesn't seem like such a gift. I hope this person can see the value in encouraging his relatives to stand on their own. It will probably involve some stumbles and it certainly isn't the easy option. But I think it's the only way everyone can experience growth and know they've lived with integrity. We'll see what happens. Fingers crossed. :)
If you aren't familiar with the person from this quote, then we're rowing the same boat. If you are familiar with him, you get a look of wonder from me. I really only know (because the quote site told me) that he is an author and founder of an insurance company. Does anyone else find it odd that an insurance guy is encouraging us to say 'no?' Aren't they sort of known for being pushy until they hear a 'yes?' Maybe that's just a stereotype. Anyway, it made me chuckle.
Now, this is another great quote. Really meaty. I like using quotes as a jumping off point when I'm not sure what direction I'm going to take the blog entry in. They are good inspiration-sparkers. This one has me thinking not about my own situation (though there are plenty of ways I could apply it), but about a friend's situation. Mostly the first part. I've been encouraging this person to say no to an issue. Some family members are struggling financially and this friend is tempted to help them out. Normally this would be a very wonderful and loving thing. But it's happened too often. The family members are not learning from their past mistakes. Instead, they continue taking financial help from others rather than taking responsibility for their own situation.
This hits close to home for me. See, we always get back to me eventually. When I first moved out to LA, I definitely was struggling financially. I was fortunate enough to have a friend for a roommate, and she provided a lot of help with our shared bills. And by "help," I mean that she basically paid them all. While she was very generous and gracious about this, it caused a strain on our relationship. After we parted ways, my mom took over the role of financial savior. She had to send me chunks of money every month so I could keep up with the rent. It was a terrible feeling, knowing that phone call was coming when I'd have to ask again. My family has always done what was needed to help each other out, and nobody has been made to feel guilty. However, I knew that money was a strain for her. And it was emotionally exhausting to me to be in my mid-20s and still have to rely on my parents for money.
I can't pinpoint exactly where the shift occurred, but I think I really started to get things together after my dad remarried. Granted, my mom was the one sending most of the money at this point. But my stepmom is from another culture and it bothered her tremendously that my dad had a habit of bailing me out with finances. Even though he hadn't been as involved as my mom, she was very conscious of his spending where we were concerned. At first, I hated this sort of intrusion on my relationship with my dad. But very quickly, I realized that it was actually a blessing in disguise. She was concerned that he had babied me and made it harder for me to stand on my own. And she was right. He agrees. I agree. We're all on the same page here, and that realization helped me get on the right track with budgeting and finding a better job. I was then able to take the pressure off my mom in turn because I was shifting everything back to my own shoulders. It was the best feeling to reach a month where I didn't have to make that dreaded phone call!
I'm hoping to relay this story to my friend. Sometimes I think we sense that we should say no, but feel guilty and end up saying yes instead. It's a boundary issue for a lot of people. If it's truly the thought that counts, then saying yes out of guilt really doesn't seem like such a gift. I hope this person can see the value in encouraging his relatives to stand on their own. It will probably involve some stumbles and it certainly isn't the easy option. But I think it's the only way everyone can experience growth and know they've lived with integrity. We'll see what happens. Fingers crossed. :)
good.
ReplyDelete